They say age is just a number. Is it really? A young teacher said to me pretty directly one afternoon, "You're old." Yes, like that right to me face. Ok, it's only fair that I mentioned the context of our conversation. It was after I said I was feeling tired lately. Still I thought it was brash or maybe I've transformed into this sensitive old girl :) Truth be told, lately I've been feeling lethargic and in low spirits. I'm trying to understand my body really and my age. I'm certainly not as energetic as I was twenty years ago. The week that was drained me so much so I left in a huff at 12.15 today just to be home. There's a lot of work piling on my table but I just wanted to be home. At home, I had a quick lunch and went to bed. I was tired. Will this tiredness go I wonder- haven't been able to be at the gym too for the past two weeks. Could it be menopause? Or could it be the heat we've been experiencing for the past six days! (Oops! I forgot to water the plants again) It's been so hot the air condition hardly makes any difference despite putting it at 16 degrees. Probably the weather is causing all this lethargy and lack of drive...or perhaps life has become such a hum drum that I need a new lease of life. School can really trap you into that fixed routine and I've been trapped for far too long.
Being the oldest teacher in the staff room can be good or bad depending on which angle you're looking at. At this age I really appreciate some privacy although with over 60 teachers in the same common room, it's wishful thinking. Sometimes I feel such a generation gap between me the younger teachers although they are all friendly and polite. Quietly, I wish there were more teachers my age and with the same wavelength. You know, someone to talk to and confide in. I'm learning to accept that things are not the same. This is their time not mine. I've seen and done it all.
Physically, I am not as energetic as I was before and it's only natural. I know I shouldn't blame myself because age is catching up. I should learn to embrace it. What is it they say? Grow old gracefully? In my mind's eye, I'm younger than I actually am. I don't mind looking my age: I don't want to change the way I look but I need to take care of myself more especially health-wise. Deep inside I'm glad I have this moment. Turning 50 isn't so bad. I should look around me and see what I have done. I shouldn't dwell on missed opportunities, the friends at a distance, the loved ones gone or the journey not taken. I should be just glad to have this moment. Being 50 has taught me more about myself. I'm wiser and it's easier to spot the truth or deceit. I can read people pretty well and I'm more patient, thank God! Alhamdulillah...I'm still here and there's more to come!